This article made me look up nihilism, which yielded this Wikipedia entry, which made me wonder: What is the difference between nihilism and depression?
I only skimmed the article, so from what I gather nihilism is more active than depression. However, given how I was feeling the weeks before my hospital visit, it's definitely a precursor to.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Here Again
It's been almost a month since I posted and I've discovered something. I am less inclined to post if a) the depression is really kicking my butt AND/OR b) the medication is kicking the depression's figurative posterior. The first because when the depression has hijacked my cognitive functions, I am tunnel-vision focused on getting through a day or staying alive. The second...I think it's due to the fear of jinxing a good thing while it's going; it's as if I fear as though exposure to anything related to depression will result in the death spiral all over again.
The doctor has me fixed on 450mg of Effexor and 1200mg of lithium taken throughout the day; I tried the twice daily dose and felt as though my brain had up and left on a trip of it's own, leaving me fogged over and stupid. I still feel that way, but intermittently, and I'm crossing my fingers and toes and my dog's toes that it will stay that way.
One odd effect is a periodic, random anxiety that makes me feel as though my nerves were being gently massaged with a cheese grater. The good doc won't make any changes to the meds to alleviate this...for fear of screwing up the good groove I have going, so my solution is to have a sketchpad and various forms of media on me at all times. For some inexplicable reason, the doing of art...even if it is making random swathes of color on paper...damps the cheese grater effect.
Speaking of art...my efforts to maintain the flow I had going in the hospital has resulted in a front room that is almost overflowing with various sculpture, paintings, oil pastels, random bits of art material and the like. I'm going to have to start giving stuff away if this keeps up.
Oh and one thing that has definitely not changed, as you can see by the timestamp on this post, is my sleep...or lack thereof. Tonight has been particularly bad; usually I am able to fall back into slumber after being awake for twenty minutes or so, but so far I haven't had such luck.
Off to try again. The sleep that is.
The doctor has me fixed on 450mg of Effexor and 1200mg of lithium taken throughout the day; I tried the twice daily dose and felt as though my brain had up and left on a trip of it's own, leaving me fogged over and stupid. I still feel that way, but intermittently, and I'm crossing my fingers and toes and my dog's toes that it will stay that way.
One odd effect is a periodic, random anxiety that makes me feel as though my nerves were being gently massaged with a cheese grater. The good doc won't make any changes to the meds to alleviate this...for fear of screwing up the good groove I have going, so my solution is to have a sketchpad and various forms of media on me at all times. For some inexplicable reason, the doing of art...even if it is making random swathes of color on paper...damps the cheese grater effect.
Speaking of art...my efforts to maintain the flow I had going in the hospital has resulted in a front room that is almost overflowing with various sculpture, paintings, oil pastels, random bits of art material and the like. I'm going to have to start giving stuff away if this keeps up.
Oh and one thing that has definitely not changed, as you can see by the timestamp on this post, is my sleep...or lack thereof. Tonight has been particularly bad; usually I am able to fall back into slumber after being awake for twenty minutes or so, but so far I haven't had such luck.
Off to try again. The sleep that is.
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