Begin Again

It's been a while since I've checked in on this blog, much less posted to it. Good thing that the spammers have politely taken over that job for me, making sure to post every so often with helpful tips about maximizing one's, er, potential or locations to visit in order to receive discount priced software. Good thing too that blogspot has a handy little delete button for unwanted posts.

There are probably a billion reasons why I haven't kept this blog updated, most of them probably subconscious. It's hard to muster up the energy to formulate something to commit to text when most of the energy is expended by surviving the days, weeks and months. I'm also trying very, very hard to write consistently in my private journal, something that is difficult to do when I'm posting what amounts to the same thoughts dressed up, online. Then there's the stressful job, which had only gotten more stressful, meaning that the last thing I want to do when I come home is look at a computer, much less sit down and actually touch it. And the painful fact that sitting down and posting about depression tends not only to clarify the feeling, but intensify it. Virtual emotional mutilation, as it were.

There are good reasons for my lack of involvment. I'm trying to take to heart what I heard from one of the art therapists I had the good fortune to encounter during my stint in one of Chicago's finer mental institutions; an artist that doesn't practise their art gets depressed. To that end, I've pretty much filled my dining room with pieces that I've created...some acrylic, some watercolor, mostly oil pastels. If all goes well, I should be exhibiting the best of the work in a coffeehouse my husband frequents. It's not much, but for someone who wasn't doing art a year ago, it's not such a bad start.

Mostly I'm posting again because I've come full circle on the medication merry-go-round. I'm back on Adderall, after explaining to my shrink that the only time I actually looked forward to work and the problems therein was the times that I was taking Adderall in conjunction with Effexor. After checking his notes from that time, he's agreed to put me back on the dosage that straightened out my mood in the past. I wonder if I actually was meant to feel this good, with my mind buzzing with ideas to implement, and making short work of problems that arise, but that's another post entirely. Suffice it to say, I'm fairly sure that the reintroduction of Adderall into my treatment regimen will infuse my brain with the ability to handle several creative ventures at once.

Then again, I could be completely wrong and my next post will wind up being a year later. We'll see.