Whither My Life?

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by Jane Kenyon

We try a new drug, a new combination
of drugs, and suddenly
I fall into my life again

like a vole picked up by a storm
then dropped three valleys
and two mountains away from home.

I can find my way back. I know
I will recognize the store
where I used to buy milk and gas.

I find that sometimes others words illustrate an unarticulated thought of mine better than any words I could've come up with on my own. The above is an example.

The only element the author fails to mention is the slightly unnerving feeling that lingers once you've found your way back. Where have I been? Through what countries have I traveled? And how much damage have I done...to others, myself...along the way? Worse: how long will it take to repair?

Now that I have the mental foundation that 450mg of Effexor provides, I look back on the volatile days, weeks, months of 300mg and cringe a bit at the things I said and did.

What Adderall Feels Like

The possibilities are limited only by how fast you can execute them. Your problems are still there, but you have ideas about how to solve them, and those ideas do not seem impossible. You can almost feel the neural pathways in your brain branching out, making new connections for your thoughts to travel. You feel positive, optimistic in spite of what crappy situation you may be in. It doesn't change whatever issues that may be cluttering your life, but it dials down their impact; they are less urgent, more manageable.

For me, my best insights and inspirations come to me right when the first set of medicine contained beads dissolves and hits my bloodstream. I can feel that my brain is working smoothly, like the parts of a well maintained machine. Unfortunately , it does not last; and soon I can feell the dread inevitability of my cognitive deterioration.

But while it lasts, it feels beautiful

Odd Little Pick-Me-Up

I'm not sure why, but for some strange reason, this blurb about Eminem and ex Kim Mathers remarrying gave me a good feeling. Maybe it's the idea that nothing is really over; it's possible to salvage anything.

On the other hand, they may be divorcing again within the month. But for now this, to me at least, is good news.

Murphy's Law Is A Bitch

According to the definition from Wikipedia, that venerable online free encyclopedia, Murphy's law states thus:

Anything that can go wrong, does.

There are variations, of which this is my personal favorite:

Anything that possibly can go wrong, will...usually at the worst possible moment.

In the recent past, not one, but three co-workers have quit their jobs because, among other reasons, their husband's salaries are such that they do not have to work anymore. As far as I am aware of, these women have all been of sound mind and spirits and relatively free of any mental disease or defect. The most recent defection occured today; this is being written upon return from a going-away breakfast hosted by the company.

Whereas I, possessed of a definite mental defect, find myself unable to quit my highly stressful, crazy-making job due to the fact that my husband...through no fault of his own and in spite of herculean efforts on his part...works at a job that will not cover our rent if we were to depend on it. The additional stress of being the primary breadwinner, along with the utter lunacy of the job, only exacerbates the depression I am being treated for...a fact that I am made painfully aware of every time I slam the Adderall that has become necessary to keep me sane and relatively motivated for the entire work day.

This scenario may not conform exactly to the letter of Murphy's Law, but it is close enough to the spirit. Or, as one of the examples listed in the oh-so-helpful Wikipedia entry states:

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Or:

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Is This The Real Me?

Recently, my psychiatrist told me that I had what was termed a "double depression", that my depression was not only biological, but situational as well. The biological component of my depression can and is being treated by the Effexor...and now Adderall...but the situational component cannot be changed using medication.

Basically, if my job is sucking the life out of me (which it is) and finances are an issue (which they are) and there exists other discouraging life issues (yup), I'm pretty much on my own for any depression that occurs as a result.

I said all that to say this: The Adderall seems to stir the down around (props to Willam Gibson on that phrase) as it were; the funk is still there but separate from that is a sort of engine or catalyst that keeps my brain humming along...thinking of solutions, getting mundane essentials done...in spite of the funk. This is good, especially since the alternative is a numb lethargy, but it's also sort of eerie. I experience a distinct awareness of separate me that comes on when the Adderall takes effect.

This leads to all sorts of posits about my identity and the veracity of it. Are these chemicals altering my true personality? If they are, and I function better with this new personality construct, then what does it mean when they wear off (and they do wear off; I have a strange metabolism that goes through amphetamines like an unsupervised kid through Halloween candy). Are these drugs (Adderall specifically) changing my neurochemistry to what it always should have been had I not been struck with depression, or are they forcing my brain to assume thought patterns and neurochemical structures that it wasn't meant to have.

My psychiatrist, the last time I presented him with a similar conundrum, put forth the analogy of a heart patient that takes meds. Is the patient without the meds the real person or is the one with the meds. Apparently it doesn't matter, since the patient without the meds will cease to be sooner rather than later. I told him it wasn't the same thing, and he insisted (I think) that it was; depression is a disease just as much as cancer or heart failure. I still don't think it's the same thing...hearts and cancers are physical elements within the body that can be removed, cut into, excised, whereas personality and mood are intangibles...but it was concede the point or be locked in a discussion that would take longer than the time I had for the appointment.

I wish I had an answer, but I don't...and I haven't the time to wade through what probably would be volumes upon volumes of research to figure one out.