Straws

When the meds go south and the dark moods start creeping back, I'll take anything that can help. Such as the following:

• The Earthlink giant in the TV spot. Sorry, no image...seems everyone but me hates that spot; image search turns up a bunch of rants


• MSNBC's Animal Tracks archive


• Random friendly dogs


• "Homeless" by Paul Simon, off the Graceland CD


• Any song by Ladysmith Black Mambazo


• 
  
• Specific items of nostalgia
  

A few of the things that work for me.

More Drugs Or Round And Round We Go...

I visited my psych the other day and, among other things, brought up the matter of the breakthrough depression symptoms during my luteal phase. He suggested buproprin, which is the generic name for Wellbutrin.

I'm not adverse to medication...Lord knows I'm on quite a bit of it right now...but something inside me balked at the idea of adding yet another psychopharmaceutical to my current mixture. Yes the downswing of PMS kinda sucks, but not enough to start tinkering again...especially since the cocktail of Effexor/Adderall/omega-3 and multivitamins works well the rest of the time.

Thank goodness he had another suggestion: full spectrum light therapy. Although come to think of it that may have been because I mentioned that the sun yesterday had helped the breakthrough symptoms.

Quick Update

It's day two into my luteal phase and the meds have gone all screwy again. Up the omega-3? Up the dark chocolate intake? Add progesterone/estrogen supplements?

Not sure, but need to come up w/something fast...

New Development

It's Sunday morning, 5-ish am and I can't go back to sleep because I am so....excited. I actually woke at around 4:40 am but forced myself to stay in bed until 5. My mind was hopping with all of the things that I would get to do today, some mundane tasks, like returning off-color makeup to Target and some cool stuff...like going to early, early mass then dropping in on my favorite local coffee house. I haven't felt this way since I was a kid early Christmas morning.

I'm really hoping that this is a sign that the medicine is working and not the precursor to a hypomanic episode. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I've had one before and the comedown is a major suck...usually involving a return to Lithium and the subsequent thyroid malfunction and piling on of pounds.

I'm crossing my fingers for the excitement.

It Will Roll In Ecstasy At Your Feet

The title leaped out from a print found at this great show and lodged in my brain. The print can be seen in the Chicago Printmakers Collaborative...an amazing, idiosyncratic little place lodged underneath the Western el stop.

Something about art just gets me...I know that's what it is supposed to do but it seems, at least to me, that it gets at a deeper level under my mental skin than it does with most people. Not every work I see does this but those that do, really, really do. Once again, maybe my heightened sensitivity to art has something to do with the off-kilter neurochemistry that aggravates my depression.

Layers Upon Layers

Another layer of complexity to add is the nocturnal activity of my subconscious mind, specifically dreams. There are nightmares and there are nightmares, and then there are the type that access some real part of my past and twist it just enough so that I wake up in an alternate universe type funk that lasts for hours. Sometimes the nightmare is bad enough that no amount of medications, vitamins or comfort food coddling can snap me out of it.

What does that mean?

Sanctuary

I am in St. Matthias and this is the first word that comes to mind. Not the physical meaning of the word but the intangible representation of such.

My mind feels safe here. Even the in the times of dysthimia, my mind feels safe here. The vastness of the physical space somehow quiets any racing thoughts and levels any extremes in mood I may be experiencing.

I wish, as I have many Sundays preceding this day, that there was a way to take this space with me when I leave. Nothing else, no other place or mental exercise can replicate this mental comfort.

Time Out Of Mind

Sometimes I wonder what all of these chemicals are doing to my brain. What is the long term effects of these medications on my mind. Am I unknowingly subjecting myself to future neurological damage by tinkering with my mental anatomy now?

Looks like research time again...

Update

Looks to be a week of nasty, grey weather, perfect for seeing if the increased omega-3 really does help.

Also iSilo-ing the Wiki brain section. Hope that small aggregates aren't prohibited.

Random Update

So far omega-3 supplements seem to be working well; I started with two capsules once a day, then increased it to two capsules twice a day. It is currently cloudy outside, yet my usual dip in mood that accompanies overcast days is slight...only somewhat noticeable.

Random thought: If Adderall XR increases dopamine at the synaptic cleft, which heightens my mood, and this increase occurs right around the time I attend 7:30 a.m. mass, is it worship that is causing a feeling of connection with God or the increase in said neurotransmitters? If I weren't taking the drug, would I feel the same connection, the same warmth?