The anxiety, medication drop-off, nightmares, and the overall sense of being off-center, are getting worse, seemingly in direct proportion to how soon I will go from the North side to South1, renting to owning2, selling my jewelry at one store to two3.
These are all good developments. Beneficial things will happen to me as a result. Yet my brain...my neurochemistry responds as though these changes are threats. In response to those percieved threats, my thoughts move towards ways to control everything and anything, by attempting to think through, plot out every possible situation and a plan to respond. Which, of course, is impossible...and the impossibility sends my thought patterns into wilder and wilder convolutions and tighter and tighter knots, leading further and further down the depression path.
There has to be a way to reprogram this reaction. Not chemical...my brain seems to wear this stuff down. There has to be a way.
1I'm in the process of moving because
2we just purchased a condo.
3I made jewelry to help with depression. Apparently people want to buy it.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Weird Like Me
I'm a big fan of Law and Order...the Jerrry Orbach years preferably...and an even bigger fan of the CI spinoff. Primarily because of this character, played by Vincent D'Onofrio.
Why? He's eerily smart, not good with the people skills and, as an episode alluded to, is possibly afflicted with a nascent mental disorder thanks to his schizophrenic mother. And still manages to hold down a full time job in spite of said disorder.
Basically, someone that I can relate to. In fact, I think the only main character in a TV show that I can relate to.
Why? He's eerily smart, not good with the people skills and, as an episode alluded to, is possibly afflicted with a nascent mental disorder thanks to his schizophrenic mother. And still manages to hold down a full time job in spite of said disorder.
Basically, someone that I can relate to. In fact, I think the only main character in a TV show that I can relate to.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Random Update
It's been crazy lately both in my head and in real life. One thing I am discovering more and more (and more and more painfully) is that I do not suffer the unexpected or uncertain well.
Which is bad when purchasing a home, since the entire process is riddled with uncertainty. Also when switching jobs because, at least in my ongoing experience, getting used to a new work environment brings one up against a good measure of both. And I am going through the two aformentioned at the same time.
How is this all affecting my mental health? Well, either the medicine's effect is dropping off, or the irritation, short temper, anxiety and pervasive gloom are all normal emotional responses to periods of great change. It's hard not to jump to the fear that the medicine has stopped working. Harder still to ride out the big changes and see if the meds "start working" after they are done. Getting used to having emotions is hard after not having them for a long time.
This video has been helping. I can't say why, I can't say how, but it does.
Which is bad when purchasing a home, since the entire process is riddled with uncertainty. Also when switching jobs because, at least in my ongoing experience, getting used to a new work environment brings one up against a good measure of both. And I am going through the two aformentioned at the same time.
How is this all affecting my mental health? Well, either the medicine's effect is dropping off, or the irritation, short temper, anxiety and pervasive gloom are all normal emotional responses to periods of great change. It's hard not to jump to the fear that the medicine has stopped working. Harder still to ride out the big changes and see if the meds "start working" after they are done. Getting used to having emotions is hard after not having them for a long time.
This video has been helping. I can't say why, I can't say how, but it does.
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