emotions suck

I used to be emotion-free (poet, don't know it) and it was great.
Actually I was "emotion-lite"; I felt sometimes, but never to the
point where it interfered with anything I wanted to get done. Like
work, or school, or saving everyone I encountered from the future
agonies of hell (not any more, long story, later post). Given me, a
co-worker/classmate and some horrible experience, I was the one who
could still report to work the next day, early, and stay late...while
the co-worker/classmate would be at home crying, drooling or dialing
the first psychiatrist in the phone book.

This worked for a long time; it meant my acting sucked and I had few
friends, but I switched careers and was an introvert so no big losses.
Then, for various reasons too long and convoluted to include here, it
stopped working and I had to Do Something About It. Ten billion years
of therapy appointments later and now I'm the drooling, crying,
co-worker/classmate. With interest...because I'm getting double for
all those years I didn't feel, plus the newbie difficulty of managing
this brand new mass-o-stuff.

The problem is this: emotions are still a mass-o-stuff for me. They
don't come when I'd expect and show up when I don't and the very fact
that I'm writing about them like this shows I have yet to get them
integrated with the rest of me. They lag behind or race ahead or both
at once and sometimes whirlwind madly around me so I wind up bound
tight in a figurative leash...two inches from crazy at five minutes
before I'm supposed to be in a meeting. Its enough for me to wish
for the no-feeling time again.

Then again, maybe writing about it like this isn't helping matters.

Whatever.

Emotions suck.