random thoughts and strange musings, part three

Off we go

thought the first
Saw this link when I opened my browser to access my work email and opened it in a new tab immediately, as, given the events of the past few days, it's information that I could use. One disheartening discovery is that controlling emotions involves feeling them...something I'd rather avoid, as emotions as I experience them are distractingly strong. When I'm angry, it's to the point where I feel as though I will spontaneously ignite. When I'm sad, it's to the point where the air feels heavy.

thought the second
Regarding the "all-or-nothing" thinking...I agree with what the article says, however, I find that it's considering the shades of grey in a situation that traps my mind in introspection. Considering all the angles of a situation leads to considering all of the potential outcomes of every situation which is a feeling akin to standing in front of the Sears Tower watching the advance of a tidal wave that towers over it.

thought the third
A single 20mg of Adderall XR has a more gradual onset than a 30mg, but does not provide enough of the active ingredients to create the right levels of neurotransmitters in my brain. Perhaps 2 20mg of Adderall XR would provide the same gradual onset but achieve the correct neurotransmitter mix as the 30mg would.

thought the third, part a
Look up the breakdown of amphetamine salts in a 20mg dose of Adderall XR as opposed to a 30mg Adderall XR.

random thoughts and strange musings, part two

For an explanation of the title, see previous post. Otherwise, on we go.

thought the first
Maybe the genetic susceptibility to brain lesions also causes abnormally strong desires for alternate realities (which I have), abnormal convictions that there are alternate realities (which I think I have), or abnormally strong desires for 'exceptional abilities' (which I definitely have). Or maybe I have brain lesions already and they're responsible for the abnormally strong feelings and convictions.

thought the first, part b
it would be nice if either the genetic susceptibility or the brain lesions actually caused 'exceptional abilities' to develop but given that demyelination is a degenerative process, it's highly unlikely

thought the second
A good story for a science-fiction or fantasy writer to create would be the person who had a strong sense, conviction or desire to be a person with superhuman abilities but the abilities never appeared. Basically the story of Peter Petrelli (Heroes) or Hiro (also Heroes) if their 'meant for something more' thoughts never happened. At all. How they learned to cope. Though that would be depressing, so maybe it's not a good story idea.

thought the third
Maybe I could be the first person for whom the genetic susceptibility for brain lesions (or actual brain lesions, if that's the case) had positive results. Maybe not exceptional abilities, or superhuman powers, but increased resistance to pain, or higher intelligence. Like that John Travolta movie, Phenomenon.

thought the fourth
Must find out if there is a multiple sclerosis study I could join that tracks the genetic causality of the disease. Our familiy must be an interesting case, given a parent in which the disease did not manifest until early 70s and, of two female children and one male, disease manifestation occurred in the male sibling (women are more likely than men to develop MS).

random thoughts and strange musings

Rather than taking the time to research the thoughts that occur to me, then trying to find the time to research the thoughts, then never having time to research and subsequently failing to post the finished post with research because of lack of time for writing and researching, I thought it might be better to just put the thoughts out there.

Bonus: the tangled mess of my brain will become apparent and I'll have a reference in case I ever have time to research.

So. Without further fuss.

thought the first
You know how people tend to lean towards the creative or towards the analytical? What if the problem with my brain, the reason why I have depression/anxiety issues, is that I am a tending creative that is also working analytical.
Meaning this: I photograph. I did oil pastels and, for a brief moment I studied theatrical arts and wrote lots of stories. I also happen to make a living working with computers and all the logistical, analytical components that go with them. I like doing both, but what if developing both sides of my brain in this manner is somehow damaging it?

thought the second
I saw "Up" this past weekend. It was a fantastic movie, marred only by the gradual onset of a dull, burning, boring pain just below my sternum that did not abate until well into the evening. Since I didn't want to make a trip to the emergency room and I had nothing else to do while curled up in pain, I hit up WebMD's symptom checker to try to figure out why I was hurting and what would stop it.
After ruling out a heart attack, and briefly considering pancreatitis, I found peptic ulcers, which are caused by an excess of stomach acid, which made me wonder if the reason why Adderall XR behaves like Adderall-minus-the-XR in my system, is because of an overproduction of stomach acid, thus breaking down the shell and coatings that make the XR an XR.

thought the second, part b
Alternate Malfunctioning Adderall XR theory: Since I have one parent and one sibling with an autoimmune disease involving brain lesions (multiple sclerosis), maybe I've inherited a similar neurological malfunction or abnormality (synapses too far apart, myelin too thick) that decreases the effecacy of Adderall XR. Or impairs the release of dopamine in the synaptic cleft, which is what I think Adderall XR does.

thought the third
Reading the introduction of Neil Gaiman's "Fragile Things", I came across the bonus short story "The Mapmaker" and this particular phrase:

A pale carp broke the surface of the water, shattering the reflection of the golden moon into a hundred dancing fragments, each a tiny moon in its own right, and then the moons coalesced into one unbroken circle of reflected light, hanging golden in water the color of the night sky, which was so rich a purple that it could never have been mistaken for black (emphasis mine)

which made me wonder if I still had my oil pastels, and specifically a purple and the black that I could combine to create such a purple. And if I could successfully use that purple to create the picture, with oil pastels, that the above phrase made in my head.

thought the fourth
Experiments have been done that show people, given the proper equipment, can move external objects using their thoughts. Specifically the neurochemical energy of their thoughts, which (I think) is then translated into electrical energy or signals. Given such experiments, wouldn't it be possible to somehow bypass the equipment and translate the neurochemical energy into a medium that could move external objects? Instead of translating that energy into electrical energy or signals, what about into an energy that did not require a physical conduit...say radio waves or something else?

More (hopefully) next time. For now it's back to Active Directory security and OpsMgr configuration...i.e. work.

open letter to mr. joss whedon, on performance at this american life live at chicago theatre

Having been a classical pianist during my teenage years, having experienced first-hand the sheer terror that comes before and during a public performance and, having quit playing piano for that very reason (since you can't be a professional pianist if your hands shake to the point of being unable to play) I can say with utter honesty and a complete lack of sarcasm or fawning, that your willingness to perform at the Chicago Theater on April 19th, 2009 was nothing short of incredible.
My hat is off to you, sir.