Till Human Voices Wake Us And We Drown

Normally I don't post when I am depressed. Tonight, I wanted to do an experiment and force myself to make one update while in the middle of the madness. Experiment over. I can't think enough to type something witty and all I want to do is sleep until the pain stops. I do have a running list though.

Things I Actually Thought About Doing To Get Rid Of The Pain

1. Slam my head against the wall. Repeatedly. Problem: neighbors would call the cops
2. Drink lots and lots of alcohol. Problem: Don't drink, so no alcohol on premises and I can't stomach the rubbing kind.
3. Slam fists against the wall repeatedly. Problem: see number 1.
4. Slice with knife and/or razor. Problem: too addictive. Done it once before, which makes it exponentially easier to do it again.
5. Scream loudly until neighbors call the cops, they take me away and give me something to stop the pain. Problem: Husband, job, marriage...all down the toilet.
6. Take lots and lots of pills to kill the pain. Problem: Crazy, stupid desire to live.
7. Grab something and shake and shake and shake. Problem: Nothing satisfying to grab, too slowed down to shake.

Off to bed, which may not kill the pain, but will mask it for a while. Usually I take the meds first thing, or close and they kick in right around the time I realize that I am awake and dying. Lying still and breathing sometimes helps also.