Tis Better To Give...

There is something to this 'it's better to give than receive'
saying....mainly that doing something completely unasked for others
somehow is a small respite from the gloom. I'm not sure where the
reassuring feeling comes from, but my current theory is that it is
comforting to know that soon, as a result of your actions, someone
else will feel less crappy than you do.

I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what
actions, interactions, events, things, foods, music, TV shows, what
have you, will help alleviate the depression. Mostly because the
medicine that is supposed to be working a certain way, isn't.

I have what my psychiatrist calls "drug-resistant depression". Which
basically means that he looks increasingly perplexed when I tell him
my symptoms haven't changed, which I do now on a monthly basis. I was
downgraded from a once every three month visit to a once a month visit
when I reported that my functioning went from "being able to think and
act and feel energetic and enthused about the upcoming day" to "trying
to keep myself alive" in the course of a day.

I've taken a lot of different drugs and seen more than a few doctors,
but because of the nature of the illness and a couple of very bad
times in the last decade, I'm not sure exactly which drugs and which
doctors I've taken and seen. I definitely know I've had Prozac and
Wellbutrin and amitriptyline. I'm definitely sure that I've taken
Risperdal..it made me gain at least ten pounds and that's not
something you soon forget.
I'm almost positive I've had Zoloft, and I did take lithium for a
while after I had one mild mania episode. I'm currently trying out a
combination of Effexor and Adderall. The effexor dose was at 450mg
once a day, but at the last visit the doctor decided to lower that and
up the Adderall...adding a 10mg instant release pill to my 90mg
extended release dosage (30mg pills, three times before 1:00 pm). He
says I 'just need to figure out the timing' of the dosages on my own,
which is unnerving...not because I can't, but because of the sinking
feeling that I have that my depression is rapidly progressing to the
point where it is outside the bounds of his expertise. Which
basically sucks, since he has much expertise.

Right now I'm playing with the timing and adding any and everything
that could possibly help. There is a laundry list of items, but since
I'm at work and it is now 3:44 and I still haven't taken a lunch, I'm
going to save it for later.